ITALIAN HONEYMOON, JOKES

Anonymous

Posted by ULISSES TECLASAP

Today I'm going to talk about a Brazilian blogger and Interpreter Ulisses. His blog Teclasap is useful for Brazilian and readers all over the world visit it, check it out 

http://www.teclasap.com.br very interesting 

After returning from his honeymoon in Florida with his new bride, Virginia, Luigi stopped by his old barbershop in Jersey to say hello to his friends.

Giovanni said, “Hey Luigi, how wasa da treep?”

Luigi said, “Everyting wasa perfecto except for da train ride down.”

“Whata you mean, Luigi?” asked Giovanni.

“Well, we boarda da train at Grana Central Station. My beautiful Virginia, she pack a biga basket a food. She brough at da vino, some nice cigars for me, and we were lookina forward to da trip, and open upa da luncha basket. The conductore come aby, waga his finger at us anda say, ‘no eat indisa car. Musta use a dining car.’

So, me and my beautiful Virginia, we go to da dining car, eat a biga lunch and starta at open da bottle of a nice a vino!

Conductore walka by again, waga his finger and say, ‘No drinka in disa car! Musta use a cluba car.’ So, we go to cluba car.

While a drinkina da vino, I starta to lighta my biga cigar. The conductore, he waga is finger again and say, ‘No a smokina disa car. Musta go to a smokina car.’ We go to a smokina car and I smoke a my biga cigar.

Then my beautiful Virginia and I, we go to a sleeper car anda go to bed. We just about to go boombada boombada and the conductore, he walka through da hallway shouting at a top of his a voice.

‘Nofolka Virginia! Nofolka Virginia!’

“Nexta time, I’ma just gonna taka da bus.”

Jokes, Speak Up! In the Beginning...

IN THE BEGINNING

Source: www.speakup.com.br

Speaker: Chuck Rollando American Standard accent

Language level: B1 Lower intermediate

• One the first day God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door or your hose and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this I will give you a life span of 20 years."
• The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only 10 years and I'll give you back the other 10? And God agreed...
• one the second day God Created the monkey and said, "Entertain people do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a 20-year life span." The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for 20 years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back 10, like the dog did?And God agreed...
• On third day God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of 60 years." The cow said. "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for 60 years. How about 20 and I'll give back the other 40?" And God agreed...
• On the fourth day God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you 20 years." But the human said, "Only 20 years? Could you possibly give me my 20, the 40 the cow gave back, the 10 the monkey gave back and the 10 the dog gave back; that makes 80, OK?" OK, "said God, "you asked for it." So that is why for our first 20 years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next 40 years, we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next 10 years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last 10 years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

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The last laugh

Source: Speak UP

Language level: Advanced

Standard: American accent

Bs: This joke is not updated ‘cause Bush was the President of USA yet.

The last Laugh

Mr. President...

A plane is about to crash. There are five passengers on board, but there are only four parachutes. So the passengers have to make a very quick decision: which one of them will make the ultimate sacrifice?

The first passenger says:

“I am Ronaldo, the best soccer player in the world. The sporting world needs me, and I cannot die on my fans.” He grabs the first parachute and jumps out of the plane.

The second passenger, Hillary Clinton, says:

“I am the wife of the former president of the United States; I am a senator for the state of New York and I have a good chance of being the next president of the United States.”

She grabs a parachute and jumps off the plane.

The third passenger, George W. Bush, says:

“I am the current president of the United States of America, I have huge responsibilities in the world. Besides, I am the smartest president in the history of my country and I can’t shun the responsibility to my people by dying.”

He grabs a pack and jumps off the plane.

The fourth passenger, the Pop, says to the fifth passer, a young boy:

“I am old. I have lived my live as a good person, as priest should, and so I shall leave the last parachute to you; you have the rest of your life ahead of you.

To this the little boy replies:

“Don’t worry, old man, there is a parachute of each of us! The smartest president in American history took my schoolbag.”